Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Day the Earth Fell Ill, Stood Pat, and Sat

You don't have to be a sci-fi buff, campy nostalgia eBay trader, or part-time planetary improvement hobbyist to be lulled into last week's remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still. Your enjoyment/enrichment rides on your willing suspension that the next two hours hold any elevated wisdom or enlightenment that a 21st century citizen can use to understand, deal with, or even engage the challenges of our day.

The highest suspension is "not" that smarter beings are cast in the role of celestial guardians and interstellar police beings. The real nosebleed make-believe is the baptismal slate-cleaning that our race is "now" only being cuffed, booked, tried, and convicted of all our loopy human frailties and excesses. Name a change. Pick any violation of logic. Any common standard of decency. Guilty as charged.

The problem is that these allegations undergo their own form of weightlessness in the complete vaccuum between the aliens' arrival and now -- when are they coming? They're almost here! Maybe if we had more time we could have summoned the collective responses that form around these big spherical speed bumps in our evolutionary roads. We see stock footage of lootin' and Putin. The only talking heads that roll are for fugitive Joe Klaatu -- he's on the loose! Never do we overhear any words on any streets about how today we're all moslems, jews, christians, hindus and all non-believing heathens not classified as islamic radical fundamentalists on some no-fly list.

If the producers truly wanted movie-goers to suspend their disbelief they could have made Klaatu ... well ... earthier. This time out Klaatu is even more detached and remote than he is pensive and aloof. He's not returning calls. Heck, he's not even talking to RAWPA Gort ("Retrofitted And With Plausible Acronym"). It might help to have included the term "neutrino." That would make him "Nort", a precursor to "Nano" and hence a little less menacing. If they wanted a cardboard eco sidekick perhaps they could have swapped out the big techie "T" for the earthlier "E" and changed GORT to GORE. Al could have suited up -- albeit in a larger suit.

Even the eco play seems stolen and unconvincing. Klaatu is likelier to develop a cat allergy than a warm fuzzy for the fishes in the deep blue sea. We see any number of frogs, snakes and winged subjects succumbing to the magnetic trance of the eco-spheres cum hybrid arks. The closest remade Klaatu comes to fondling our own magnanimous charms is when he huddles at the Mickey Ds rest stop off the Jersey Turnpike with a fellow alien-superior. There we learn that his tribal elder would rather die on earth with his coke and fries than shed his mandarin skin and climb back into the cradle of advancement.

I suppose the closest thing to cosmic headway here is the bottled lightening that bolts from John Cleese as the Einstein action figure with the same long, dangling math equation. He beseeches Klaatu to look at the race not based on 1st, 2nd, 3rd or infinite screw-ups but based on the last chance, backs-to-the-wall scenario. The same death door that knocked the Klaatunians back into line! The more immediate legacy translates better to mafia dialect than pep talks at half-time or motivational loudspeakers. In fact it was subliminally buried in an op-ed in today's NY Times.

In the original the space capsule handled like the UFO you saw in the dealer showrooms of its day. It descended with cushioning thrusters on the Washington DC mall at 3:47 EST. This time out stillness set in closer to 9:00-ish judging by a glancing watch piece. By then the credit crunch had put the brakes on the assembly line -- and the assembly.

If the updated time stamp and switchable departure / arrival gates are any indication this is a remake for which originality doesn't come easily. I was hoping for a sign or a banner. Maybe: Humans -- the earth's original earthlings? The interconnectedness of our sloppy emotions and complex trading systems never surfaces in the gathering of good-faith efforts. Some kind of public forum would have been particularly useful in this era where the spreading of anything -- whether it's wealth, germs, or financial risk is assumed to be contaminated, unmanageable, and far more valuable as an avoidance exercise.

There's no reckoning. There's no persuading a meeting of the UN General Assembly. Is the U.S. just too unitary? Is Kathy Bates too butch? Are folks too busy to have their medications lapse? Michael Rennie's Klaatu could have found the time to hit fungos and coach little league. Remade Klaatu is a free agent. He can't make any promises and he may not get back to us before our cardiovascular vessels are terminally bugged.

But how can we evolve beyond self-interest and stupefied hysteria unless Klaatu shows a little heart -- not just a change of one? Ultimately this is not a message movie. It is an instant movie and that's the instant message. That said you might be entertained for two hours. I'm not committing to it though.

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